What's on My Mind

If I were a rich  girl, nanananananaah! That's a lyric from a Gwen Stefani song, if you didn't know. It is rather ridiculous, the things that are taking up my time lately. For instance, I was thinking about all the things I would do if I won the lottery, or Publisher's Clearing House. I made a list. I made a list back when I was about 16, and truth be told, it hasn't changed much though I seem to want less stuff. Not that I would want a big party and blow all the money... No. I am rather frugal and practical. I would probably blow a large portion on books and movies. I do love both of those.

I'd like to think I would be very generous with my time and money, and I would probably buy a lot of things for other people, but not so for myself. Sigh. I'd be rather stingy. Anyway...

I have been working on real things as well. I am writing Lost Lady. Some parts I love, some parts are okay, and others didn't turn out quite like I had imagined them. Not that they are bad, only that they need some work. Then again, I am a perfectionist, though I am keenly aware of my own limitations.  I do believe my writing is getting better. I'm not sure if its "good," though some people have enjoyed reading my work. I can't say that they aren't more than a little biased.

I am thinking of a plot for my next NaNoWriMo project, the next book in the Chronicles of Odde Series. It's called The Knave and the Rose. I know that I should probably finish the last one before beginning something new, but I distract myself with new projects and that often helps when I am stuck on something else. If only writing would make money, some of my RL problems would be answered!

The reality now is that I need a job. Not want, or would like, but NEED. We are sinking further in debt, and I don't know how we can get out. Other people have stay at home jobs and are getting stuff done with some side income. How does that work? Where can I sign up? Stuff like that never seems to work for me. Am I looking in the wrong places? Obviously!

Being an adult really sucks some times. More often than not I want to go back to nap time, story time, and went someone else would cut the crusts off my sandwiches. What happened to all the plans and dreams I had? Not just in my childhood, but just out of high school, when the future was full of possibilities.  What happened to the promise of the open road, the blank page? Are they still there? Perhaps it's because I've come to see a lot of things as chores, or things I want but can't do because of arbitrary reasons. Maybe they are all still there, waiting for me to see them again, in the light of possibility. With Hope.

I'm rambling again. This post isn't really what I had planned, but I don't feel like making a new one, so here you go internet. Have at thee!

Good Luck, Good Night, and Write ON!

Long Time No See

Long time no see, readers! Yet again I have fallen off the wagon, broken my promise to myself and let this blog go unwritten day after day, after day. I'd like to say I have some really good excuses. And I do! I'd like to say that RL is so busy right now that I just didn't have the time, and who would know the difference, but in truth, I am lazy.

I've spent a week binging on romantic Korean dramas. I've spent countless hours on Pinterest and Facebook. I've had family come to visit and done a mad dash deep clean of my house to prove that I am a responsible adult, if only for the week that they are here.

I'd like to say that I have been working diligently on my writing, i.e. plotting, outlining, doodling at least, but that would be a lie. Just look at the statements above.

My sister, on the other hand, has obviously been reading the updates from NaNoWriMo and has started to get her notes together, to organize her random pieces of paper and prepare for November. I looked at her and felt a twinge. I am not sure if it is pride, envy, or laughter. Her writing style and methods are so far from my own that I wouldn't know where to begin. She is organized, in depth and well read on the topics she is including in her novel, a paranormal detective series. I am so proud of her, and yes, more than a little jealous. I love her bunches, but she seriously kicks my butt in this category.

My stories come out of my head and require little to no research, while my twin has spent countless hours reading about police procedures, FBI protocols, and medical practices. I would be surprised if she wasn't on some government list after everything that she's been looking up on the internet. She has completed book one and is currently outlining books two and three. I, on the other hand, have been ignoring my to-do lists and sleeping... a lot.

As anyone who reads this blog would know, I am currently taking care of my grandmother who had been ill and bedridden for over a year now. My sister and I take care of her; we are a team... Though unfortunately, not paid for our endeavors, we are living off my grandmothers income.. or should I say mooching. For someone with no job, and an extraordinary amount of free time on their hands, I get very little done; other than making a mess that is.

Depression set in a while ago, and while I am not in fear of my life, I am in fear of the future. I am in debt, tied to my home, with no income of my own except for a few part-time jobs. And writing stories that no one seems to want to read. I fear I am a failure at life. My 31st birthday is quickly approaching and I have very little to show for it. I have to constantly remind myself that there is still more to do, still more to my life. I am a day-dream, always have been and always will be. That skill has helped me imagine the worlds I write about, but I sometimes fear that my secret escape is eating up too much of my life.

Anyway, I seem to be turning this blog into my personal diary, which isn't what I intended it for whoever cathartic I might find the experience.

With this post I am starting something new. I am changing focus, kicking it into gear, and trying to reorganize my life, by organizing my days. Step one is to make goals. Step two, start making changes, step three is building habits, and after that who knows.

Wish me luck, Pray that everything goes well! And I will do the same for whoever is reading this post.

I know things get in the way, that we get side tracked and for one reason or another, getting back on the wagon seems too hard, but it's not impossible. I seem to spent more time trying to get back to my goals then actually working towards them, but I keep trying and that is what really matters. Small steps, little changes, and one more push! That's really all it takes.

To my fellow writers, to my readers, whoever you are, God Bless and Write On!